I'm aware I do not compare to the one you wish to be with Are you blind to see how much you truly mean to me? A day does not go by without thinking of you and I I hear your heart call my name, my dear, there is no one else to blame I love you so, but I have to go you see for there is someone else waiting for me
The only way for me to stay close to you is to close my eyes and fall into a torturing nightmare.
A nightmare in which you kiss my lips and hold me in your arms. To wake up from that nightmare and hear your voice is agony. To hear your voice again without speaking to you in weeks... is a pain I cannot describe.
Everyday I try harder and harder to keep my heart away from you, but you always find a way to get your hands full of my blood, don't you?
I'm ashamed of how I let myself go to such a ruthless man.
You caused me to lose myself in this disaster, I need to get back to who I used to be.
I saw you today... after 2 long months. Every emotion, every memory, everything I forced myself to forget rushed back. I went back a year. It's like nothing has ever happened. You were here.
It was normal.
You were comfortable. You were happy. I miss you. I miss you so much.
I broke down. All day of fighting the tears I finally let them slip through. I don't feel alive, but I'm not dead either. I'm locked in this cage and you're running away with the key. It's fine for one moment and there I go... watching you walk out the door yet again.
I want to hold you in my arms until they go numb, it's that smile of yours that makes me melt, it's the way you look at me that kills me, I want to feel your hand intertwine with mine, I want to kiss you until the sun rises... I want you to come home.
3 hours of sleep and a hangover from hell. I made a fool of myself once again. I hate arguing with you. I realized that it wasn't me you wanted to be with. The dreams are starting to come back. I secretly enjoy them. It's the only way to feel close to you. My heart aches more than I could ever imagined it could. Everything else is numb. You are killing every part of me, inch by inch...
My mind took a 180 turn. My sleeping patterns are off. I have strange eating habits. Walking down unknown streets intoxicated wasn't my idea of a wake up call. I have forced myself to forget. Everything of you. Everything of I. Everything of us. Everything. I forgot what it felt like to be close to someone. I forgot what it was like being close to you. I'm getting used to being alone, but I sit here and try to figure out what is missing. I have forced myself to be strong. Tonight I walked in the room where you stole my innocence and immediately had a flash back. Two tears escaped. I wiped them away and forgot it even happened.
If I'm lonely and in need of company from the opposite sex wouldn't it be easy to just find someone? It seems pretty logical... Except I don't want to be with anyone but you. I miss you so much that I'm not sure if I could miss you anymore than I already do. You have ripped my heart out, brutally murdered it and threw it into the ocean. I'm too weak to go out and find it.
I still see you around the house. I hear your voice echoing inside my head. This heartache seems too long... am I ever going to go to bed?
Everywhere I look you're around me... and I try my hardest to convince myself that you're gone. I sit and stare at my bedroom door, afraid to walk in. The sun is about to rise and I still haven't ended my night. I lay down and stare at where you lay. I cannot hear your heartbeat beating with mine. Same routine every night. I stay up waiting for something I know isn't going to happen. I stay up longer... hoping it will. I wait. I finally have to courage to let my body rest. My mind is going a million miles per hour. I forgot what it was like being close to you....
I lay down and imagine you're with me. I imagine you looking at me, touching me, smiling at me. I consume harmful substances to forget about you. I consume them so I can black out, and not have nightmares of you. You made me feel whole. Now I feel like half of me is missing, and I'm still trying to function. I'm familiar to the stages and phases... it's happened before. The only thing different this time is that it hurts more, and I'm expecting the phases.
Stage one: Crying, crying, and crying some more. Appetite is gone. Stage two: Carelessness. Using alcohol and drugs as a sleeping aid and a way to function without you by my side. Appetite is still gone. Stage three: Anger and revenge. Trying to find love and comfort in another companion... which turns into regret and hurt. Hunger arrives. Stage four: Quitting everything important. School, work, family, friends.. etc. Hunger fades. Stage five: Depression and loneliness. My appetite and social life fade away. I hide from everything and everyone. Stage six: Weakness starts to kick in. I am now unmotivated. Stage seven, eight, nine and ten will happen within the next year. I'm at stage five.
All I want is to be next to you. Anything of you. I want to be surrounded by you. All of you.
4:50 AM- Time to wake up again. The darkness fills up the house; I turn the bathroom light on and jump in the shower. Two hours later I'm staring out the window from the bus. I sit in the same seat everyday, stare at the same trees and roads everyday. Same classes and same people. I walk the halls and get trampled and bumped into, but I don't hear or feel a thing. Girls and boys talking about who's dating who and what they're wearing for the dance the following weekend.
3:00 PM- Work I swear I'm going to shove an ice cream cone up the next costumers ass if they show another peevish frown. Organizing salt and pepper packets because I rather not wipe down the counter for the 50th time in a row. Iodized Salt Pepper Iodized Salt Pepper Pepper Iodized Salt Iodized Salt Iodized Salt Pepper Salt Pepper Pepper Salt! Salt! Salt!
"Have a nice day." I can't tell if my smiles are real when a costumer leaves or approaches anymore. I think they're fake. "What can I get for you today?" *Fake smile Another acrimonious answer. Don't get me wrong, having a job is great. I'm even lucky to have this job in the first place, but some things about it are far from preposterous. I know I'm a bit ireful about it- but I have my reasons to be.
Creepy guy walking out carrying a twelve pack of cheap beer- stop staring at my tits.
7:55 PM- Closing Thank GOD and lets put away my till. I made it through another routine. He's standing by the ice freezers. I clock out and make my way towards him. We walk to his car in the freezing cold and I light up a cigarette. I take a drink of whatever liquid I left in there 5 hours before. I ask him what he did that day and he asks me how my day was. Same. Always the same. We pack our bags and head towards the freeway. Lights Dark Action? Music takes my mind off of everything. I daydream and have no intention of looking at the surroundings of the city we just passed. A night out of town. But still... I've seen and done this before.
AM:PM- Me I have turned into a angry, bitter, and spiteful person. What the hell happened. A question I cannot seem to answer. My conclusions? I either know the answer and am too afraid of the answer; therefor ignore it. I shoved away something that I need to deal with... but again, I'm just afraid to.
I think that's as far as I've gotten. I changed my hair and pierced my belly, lost my innocence and felt unwanted. Those are changes. I still do not have many friends, I reject anyone trying to be mine. I have absolutely NO hobbies. I have myself, my work, my education, my boyfriend whom I treat like a piece of dog shit that's been laying out for a few days. I guess I'll just light up another cigarette and sleep on it.
