Endings,

I gave up on this blog.

Or so it seems. I have given up on everything.
I have 6 more hours to write until 2009.


The door is open, but I swore I closed it. I locked it and threw away the key. But I guess you found it.
The smell of cinnamon roll and and vanilla linger in the room with a slight scent of smoke.
My shadow against the pale wall and the window black as coal. The nights get longer and my yearning to sleep. These distractions get in the way of my thoughts. There's a sharp pain in my right side; my back sore. Finally, some physical pain rather than emotional. I can't seem to let my pain be known to any human being, my escape is in these words.

It's growing.
The hole in my stomach. It eats up everything inside of me, the hole of pain . It eats everything I have until theres nothing left. I'm empty, I'm numb. I have nothing left to offer. It leaves my heart, my heart is pumping. The pain nibbles on my heart just to torture me.

Love and hate don't seem to exist in me anymore. I don't know what they mean. I don't know the feeling, yet I'm desperate to find out. I know I can't love and hate by myself. I need someone to show me, I need someone to love me; to hate me.

The flame of the candle flickers as it burns its way down the wick. I can hear the rain fall outside, the heater blowing warm air into the small room where I hide myself from the world. I can hear my stomach growl and the pain in my head getting louder. It almost hurts to think. I'm almost out of lead.
I'm vulnerable; I'm delicate.

Each day I over analyze every word and every action. Everyday I find a new excuse, a new reason to dislike something about myself. I'm losing touch. I don't have the energy to wake up in the morning, I don't have the energy to speak. Yet I force myself to believe.

Hope.

The flowers are dead to me now.
You gave up on me, I gave up on myself.
If I trusted you enough maybe I could get a word or two out. I've been kicked in the face every time I've tried.

I wish to have something.
I wish it wouldn't run away from me like every time before. One kiss was all it took and you had me in the palm of your hand. With that kind of control you tightened your fist and crushed me until I was no more than a few pieces of pathetic.

I never want to feel that way again.
You are one more reason to hate myself.

Healing and easy listening

Something more or less than what I've become.
Anything more than I've become.
Something people walk around, talk about, but never really notice.

I step on the thin, green pieces that make up unnoticed beauty.
If I was one of those thin green pieces, impervious to every object surrounding them,
if I was a grain of dirt, or in the body of a tree, the leaf, me.

I sway and dance in the wind, my leaves fall and twirl. I stand there.
If I wasn't there, they would be gone.
They don't care that I'm the reason they have air.
They don't even have the time to spare.

Why have words when you can speak with beauty.
It's as if I was laying in bed with you, your skin, mind, and heart.
I tore it all apart.
This change in my life, is coming too fast.
Our love was too strong that we knew it couldn't last.

I wish I was something beautiful. Something that could live without pain, without love.
Something that contains importance.
Something as innocent as a dove.

I don't want to speak to show how I feel,
I want to sway in the air, I want to feel real.
To hear all your thoughts, to figure you out.
I know who you are, without a doubt.

Day after day I hear you pray, one more pain that wont go away.
The sky is black, clouds lay under the moon, as if someone took a pencil and speared them smooth.
It's quiet, everyone is asleep.
The light of the street lamp reflects onto my orange leaves.
You cover your arms with sleeves and sleeves.
You cover your skin, to show it is some sort of sin.
You come back into the yard, I know where you've been.

I watch and lay in this grass all day.
Something more or less than what I've become.
Anything more than I've become.
I wish I was a tree, I could stand there, not saying a word.
I could still be alive, but not feel one emotion.
My branches filled with dirty birds.
Something that grows and falls away.
I dream of this life, everyday.

I'm suppose to interfere

The echoes of our memories, of every time you walked forward, of every time you should of spoke.
If it meant more to you, but I'll wait.
For you.
The leaves drop, the music pumps.
You watch, I talk.

I wont let myself speak. It's as if I'm naked but cover up.
I think of ways, I think of words.
I finally speak, but the music is more powerful then my voice.



My makeup is smeared, my hair tangled and the coldness of this room seems to grow.
The light from the window shines in leaving shadows of objects.
Everything stands still, while time is speeding by. Nothing changes, emotions fade, tears dry and laughs still turn into cries. Nothing is unexpected, we're all afraid so we plan. We plan to have the comfort and satisfied taste of accomplishment.
I've felt so overwhelmed that I don't know what else to feel, or if I'm feeling anything at all.
The future scares me more then the past.
The present seems to lead me to nothing. To wake up another day of disappointment, faded hope within hours, a walk home in the rain, another minute of no sleep, another second of an illusion of love.
Repeat.
One more beat, lyric and scream.
We gather around, our bodies dripping of sweat as we dance our lives away.

San Francisco

I want to write, but I lost all of my words.

The leaves are starting to fall, it's almost over. Everything ends eventually, right? Every time I'm around you I can't help but to smile. I feel sick, my head feels heavy.
We just sit and stare, I wonder what you're thinking. I want to kiss you, I do.
You can't sleep. My hands are shaking and I feel afraid, I'm always afraid. What they say, never matters, because it wont change the way we feel. The way I feel. The music is to its end, why did I even try. What's going to happen after this whole dilemma blows over?
I see the change in your face, as you invite yourself. It's weird seeing you from a distance.
I want to talk to her, I want to tell her everything, I want her to feel what I feel, I want her to understand. Instead, she understands by the way I treat her.
3 or 4.
Maybe 5.

I'm sorry.
My ideas fade away as the wind blows in my face. It makes sense in my mind, I promise.
Nothing moves, just time. The orange and yellow reflections, I...
I can't speak, some days I just don't care. There is no better feeling than comfort from another human being. Comfort that is real, love that is real.
I'm truly happy for you.
It's so simple, why can't I understand. Come lay in bed with me, and forget about the world.
I'm lost.

Condolence

The air froze, the trees stand still. A slight breeze and theres nothing left to say. As if there was no sound, no movement, the rain drops to the ground. Gray clouds fill the sky, I've never seen anything so perfect, you said that you wish it was summer. The window fills up with fog, as I exhale. My cold hands touch the window, it's as if you were there. I close my eyes, drops of rain slide down the petals of a flower. Sunlight fills up the room for a brief second, then it becomes dark. My feet become numb, I told you forever... do you remember?

Do you see me?

It was raining. It's been about ten months, you were getting something out of your car and I ran out into the street, I started to dance.

It was crystal clear.
I got up, the numbness of my left foot, I stumble to the next room. I sit back down, my lips are chapped. The alarm clock is blinking, I unplugged it again. My walls are bare, a few shelves and some nails. I lay down. I put my legs up against the wall, my head falls to the curve of the bed. The world is upside down. A few minutes later my head feels heavy and my legs are now completely numb. I pull myself up and peak out the blinds, I think of something I did a few months ago. I pull the string and the blinds lift up. As my breath blows against the window, I saw what we once were.


I need to clean my windows. I roll up my sleeves and take a drink of my coffee, it's cold. The only thing I hear is the keys pressing down as I type this, the water running in the next room, the heater blowing warm air, and some birds chirping outside. Three empty water bottles and some mix cds. You never told me the truth. What would you say if I told you...

I hate you.

For one day, this day, my world is quiet. I think, the thoughts in my mind get louder and louder and it gets to the point where it feels like screaming and it's harder to understand what I'm even thinking about. I try to explain but my words start to trail off and everything starts to disappear. I stand there, they forgot who I am. I walked away, I was invisible. I was invincible. I told her how much it hurt when he was gone, I told her how much it... she understood. I finally let something go, I felt relieved that someone was there. I'm alone, and she doesn't trust me. She doesn't believe me. I tell her I'm sorry, she walks out. I walk into the next room, I shut the door. I turn on the hot water, and turn the middle nob. I take off my clothes and step in. I wet my hair and then sit down. The warm water hitting my naked body as I curl up like a helpless child. I watch as the drops of water hit my skin, and slide down the parts of my body. I watch how the water drips from my hair, onto my arm, down to my legs, to the bottom, and into the drain. I don't know how much time has passed, I don't know which parts of water on my skin are tears, or shower water. Remember when we kissed? Our bodies wet, the shampoo fell on your head. I laughed, and held your body against mine.
I turn up the music, and forget about everything that ever mattered.