A head full of frustration, and a door open to more

4:50 AM-
Time to wake up again. The darkness fills up the house; I turn the bathroom light on and jump in the shower.
Two hours later I'm staring out the window from the bus. I sit in the same seat everyday, stare at the same trees and roads everyday.
Same classes and same people. I walk the halls and get trampled and bumped into, but I don't hear or feel a thing. Girls and boys talking about who's dating who and what they're wearing for the dance the following weekend.

3:00 PM- Work
I swear I'm going to shove an ice cream cone up the next costumers ass if they show another peevish frown. Organizing salt and pepper packets because I rather not wipe down the counter for the 50th time in a row.


Iodized Salt
Pepper
Iodized Salt
Pepper
Pepper
Iodized Salt
Iodized Salt
Iodized Salt
Pepper
Salt
Pepper
Pepper
Salt!
Salt!
Salt!

"Have a nice day."
I can't tell if my smiles are real when a costumer leaves or approaches anymore.
I think they're fake.
"What can I get for you today?" *Fake smile
Another acrimonious answer. Don't get me wrong, having a job is great. I'm even lucky to have this job in the first place, but some things about it are far from preposterous. I know I'm a bit ireful about it- but I have my reasons to be.

Creepy guy walking out carrying a twelve pack of cheap beer- stop staring at my tits.

7:55 PM- Closing
Thank GOD and lets put away my till. I made it through another routine. He's standing by the ice freezers. I clock out and make my way towards him. We walk to his car in the freezing cold and I light up a cigarette. I take a drink of whatever liquid I left in there 5 hours before. I ask him what he did that day and he asks me how my day was. Same. Always the same. We pack our bags and head towards the freeway.
Lights
Dark
Action?
Music takes my mind off of everything. I daydream and have no intention of looking at the surroundings of the city we just passed. A night out of town. But still... I've seen and done this before.

AM:PM- Me
I have turned into a angry, bitter, and spiteful person. What the hell happened.
A question I cannot seem to answer. My conclusions?
I either know the answer and am too afraid of the answer; therefor ignore it.
I shoved away something that I need to deal with... but again, I'm just afraid to.

I think that's as far as I've gotten.
I changed my hair and pierced my belly, lost my innocence and felt unwanted.
Those are changes. I still do not have many friends, I reject anyone trying to be mine. I have absolutely NO hobbies. I have myself, my work, my education, my boyfriend whom I treat like a piece of dog shit that's been laying out for a few days.
I guess I'll just light up another cigarette and sleep on it.

This time I will be listening

For me to concentrate is more than difficult. To concentrate on all the things I love about you that add up to this unlabeled feeling we share is something beyond what words could describe. My days and nights always involve you one way or another. Waking up knowing you're inches away leaves me elated. Having your arms wrapped around me while I fall asleep leaves me reassured and comforted.

I'm yours, no need to fret. Remember those walls? I tore them down. There is no need for either of us to be distant. Curled up on your lap, you can see right through my tears. I know you don't like to see me hurting.I know there's more out there, but there's no one who can make my family laugh the way you do. No words or labels, but that doesn't mean I don't know what you're feeling. I can tell by your touch.

Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things I have to do. You know it too.
Three days or three weeks, it doesn't matter. I'll still miss your kiss and that smile that leaves my stomach in knots.
Without it I feel dreary.

Lay on the floor and listen to Hawaii; live the moment with me.

X and O

As I laid in my bed, it then occurred to me that I've been staring at my wall. Right then I started paying attention to what I was staring at, and over analyzing every detail possible. The dark, melancholy room had no effect on me, I was lost in my own state of emotion. Every shadow seemed to have the biggest impact on me, as it happened to highlight every texture. I saw the flower's shadow appear from outside my window. I had not looked at my window in quite some time.

My thoughts were disseminated. An overflow of realization had come upon me, and all I could do was act on impulse. I thought everyone was entitled their own opinion: Where's mine?
I have this continual need but I can't identify it. It is so persistent that I yearn to find it. Still staring my eyes start to fall. Delirium starts to make it's way, but this constant fighting won't last much longer. My punches are getting weaker and I can't argue with the inevitable.

Still laying, everything gradually starts to disappear and it's only him. Alone, touching my bare skin. His fingers trace my sides and his lips touch mine. My fingers run through his coarse hair and gently slide down his back. Our caressing starts to intensify and my excitement starts to ascend. As we express our amative feelings the time starts to stop. I pull his body closer to mine and crave for him to kiss me anywhere but the lips. Concentrated on the pleasure I've been consuming, I forgot about the sentimental music playing in the background. My exaggerated moans and his heavy breathing start to fade away. We lay satisfied full of accomplishment. He looks at me with that subtle smile and caresses my face. I bury my head into his shoulder and smell his natural scent; an overwhelming attraction.

My eyes start to open and I see the wall, I see the shadows that cover the wall. I look around my room dazed. I suddenly realize I'm alone and that I've been alone. I've been untouched. How long until this loneliness that I endure every night is no longer existent? When can I have you to spend my days with and share my secrets with you at night? I'm still staring at my wall, outlining every shadow. I'll try to sleep, to feel your touch in my dreams.

Twinge

I need something more than a few words to make me feel okay.
They'll be good for now; keep me sane perhaps.

Actions is what I need.
Anything from anyone.

Don't pity me, just show me you care.

If you're careless don't talk me down with your meaningless words, that's the last thing I need.
I'll just keep listening to this song like I always do.
Everything is on repeat.
Sometimes shuffle if I need something unexpected to surprise me. Then again, I'm expecting it.
My body feels empty and my head feels heavy. I don't speak out, not anymore. I'll keep to myself though, thanks.

If I need some physical attention I'm bound to find it. Left alone the morning to come.
If I need some mental attention, all I have to do is think of something that I yearn... whatever that may be.

Independent and strong is how I've been.
Loneliness is how I've kept my heart from leaving.

Laying on the living room floor with the heater blowing onto my flesh. My legs are red but I feel nothing. If I move I'll feel the cold breeze; I stay where I lay.
Everything is upside down moving and talking.
My feet inches away from the heat but I keep them there anyway, burning.
I don't care. I've felt worse.
To feel this is more than I've felt in a week.


Depression leaves words falling out of my mouth.
Yet happiness leaves me with nothing.

Burnt eyelashes

I feel so jealous.
I feel pathetic.
I feel needy.
I feel.





I miss you so much, it's driving me insane.
This is unhealthy.